Tour’s over. Gotta figure something out for the site. Bear with me while I shift it and whip it.
It is cold here in London. Not wet like the winters of Portland. Dry and sunny but very very cold. I was still riding around in shorts and t-shirt this time in Mexico. Shoot, I wasn’t even bringing a long-sleeved shirt out yet. Here, I’ve got my coat, my raingear, pair of long gloves, and my scarf ready for whatever this loud and dirty city will throw at me.
And like with all cold comes the eventual snot build-up. Of course I still have my collection of snot rags for such occasions. Honestly, it is a year-long necessity. I have given up on kleenex and so now always have a damp wad of fabric tucked into my back pocket. Depending on the day I can feel its ooze leaking through into my underwear. Regardless, I am happy it is with me at all times to pull out and cover in boogers at a moment’s notice.
But that requires a two-handed motion. What am I to do while I’m riding my bike? You pretentious ones out there will say, “Pfft, what’s the problem? Anybody can ride no-handed. I eat my breakfast on the ride to work.” Not in London you don’t! In Portland, sure I would be on a calm neighborhood greenway where I had the time and space to calmly draw my handkerchief from my pocket, bring it to my nose, blow, wave to the neighbors and highlight the impressive snottage before placing it back in its respective pocket. In London if you lean to far to fart to a side your head’s getting smashed by a window…or a cyclist (another post later). What to do, what to do…Well, my friends, this is when I am glad that I met the esteemed Julianna Marie Aseltine, for she taught me the wonders of the snot-rocket.
I have put it to good use I must say. I plugged one nostril and blasted my friends from Monterrey, C.A. to Todos Santos. I’ve pulled over on windy days to wipe unsuccessful rockets from my hair and face. I even double-blasted without my hands in a mountain bike race during my brief return to Portland. But on those rides it was always easy to be discreet. I could wait for a lull in traffic or an absence of pedestrians to shoot my load (if you will) without any onlookers. Unfortunately, now I don’t have that luxury. I must snot-rocket with everyone watching. And in a country where they viciously punish people who urinate in public, frown at drive-by belchers, and completely avoid those that let out SBD’s, it is something that gives me grief. But at the same time it is something that must be done because no matter how absorbant my mustache is it can only hold so much mucus.
In an effort to assuage my worries I have come up with three rules for snot-rocketing.
1.) Never snot-rocket in the pedestrian zone: Here in London it’s on the left, in the right part of the world it’s on the right. You want to avoid an accidental snotting whenever possible. A car can be cleaned, even if it is a bit insulting to snot a car. Which leads me to number two.
2.) Only snot-rocket cars when appropriate: If you want more space in the lane, snot-rocket just in front of a car. This will make them think twice before passing you too closely. If you don’t like a car’s behavior snot-rocket all over them. Disclaimer: thecowabungadude.com is not responsible for any injuries incurred from snot-rocketing.
3.) Don’t double snot-rocket in nice clothes: It gets everywhere and can stain. In extreme situations opt for pulling over to relieve yourself.
While these rules are helpful, they do not solve the problem of snot-rocketing being rude, which it is. You are blasting your nose so all of your mucus can be seen by everyone. . It’s like having an argument with your lover in the supermarket. It’s just as bad as accusing your friend of taking your pen and finding it in your pocket and not apologising. It’s like having really loud sex in a house with thin walls when you know your roommates are awake. It’s kinda like chewing with your mouth open. Nobody wants to see your dirty business. But here’s the deal. You’re on a bike! As long as you have a clear, unblocked escape route, you will never see those people again. So go ahead, blow your snot into the wind. Just make sure you follow the three rules and you shouldn’t have any problems.